UK RIOTS

Africa to send troops, food parcels to UK as riots spread

ETHIOPIA. The African Union today adopted a unilateral resolution to deploy army troops and care packages to England as looting and violence spread from London to other major cities. Spokesperson Charity Khumalo said “We can no longer stand by while these savages tear themselves apart.”

The AU, meeting today in an emergency session to discuss the ongoing rioting in the UK, has declared that they will do “everything in their power to help bring civilisation to England”.

“It’s just so sad, you know?” said Khumalo, speaking from the organisation’s HQ in Addis Ababa. “Sitting here and watching them on TV while their society implodes. We cannot in good conscience remain idle and let it happen.”

The AU has announced a range of initiatives that Africans can get involved with to help alleviate the misery of the English.

“For instance, we have launched an ‘Adopt an English child’ programme,” Khumalo explained, showing journalists brochures featuring the faces of English kids. “If you donate a mere R50 a month, you can see to it that sweet little Johnny from Peckham receives a basic education, a pack of condoms and a pair of pimpin’ Nikes.”

Khumalo also said that the AU would be parachuting in dentists along with army troops as part of a ‘Feel better about yourselves, Brits!’ initiative.

“You can understand why they’re turning on each other,” the spokesperson told journalists. “You look in the mirror and you see teeth untouched by modern dentistry. It’s heartbreaking enough to make anyone put a brick through a Starbucks.”

The organisation also plans to air-drop care packages on major UK cities.

“Vegetables, mainly,” Khumalo confirmed. “We’re sending them vegetables and toothpaste.”

The AU’s flagship event, however, will be a star-studded rock concert to be held in Johannesburg, with all proceeds going towards the establishment of mobile libraries around the UK. Artists ranging from Mafikizolo to Steve Hofmeyr have pledged to perform at the show.

“As a humanitarian, it’s the least I can do,” Hofmeyr said yesterday. “I look at those photos of the adorable little beasts knifing each other in fights over looted X-Boxes and I want to hug them and give them a nice hot cup of Milo.”

Meanwhile, the week’s events have seen terrified South Africans in London and Manchester packing their bags for home.

“This country is going to the dogs, dude,” said Werner du Preez, a gap-year student from Johannesburg. “I’ve been offered a nice little two-bedroom place in Hillbrow where I can feel safe again.

(Copied from the website www.hayibo.com)

Dog food - Piensos

A while ago I was buying a bag of dog food for my loyal Labradors and while waiting in the queue a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

Sometimes I cannot resist, so on impulse I told her that NO, I did NOT have a dog. But yes, I was starting the Dog Food Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time. But the good thing was I had lost 15 kg before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I also told her that the dog food was essentially a perfect diet. The way it works for me, I said, is to load my pockets with dog food nuggets and simply eat one or two every time I feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was certainly going to try it again. At this stage of my story practically everyone in the queue was now enthralled with what I was saying.

Horrified the lady asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me? I told her no, I ended up in hospital because I stepped off the pavement to sniff the bum of a female Labrador and a car hit me.

People behind the lady were now laughing really hard. I will have to be careful with my silly stories in the future. Otherwise people might have a heart attack while laughing.

Un saludo cordial de Bruno